the rosemoirs

Cleaning my house is like a computer game, each room being a different level and introducing new challenges.

Level one: Hallway The introductory level, you need to move a few shoes, throw away a few pizza menus and run a hoover over a small space. You learn the key moves of the game, and can’t die at this level.
Level two: Office A few more things to pick up and move this time, and a bit fiddlier as well. Mugs and glasses are introduced which involve a few round trips to the kitchen. Bigger area to hoover.
Level three: Living room At this point you realise that you only have a limited amount of time to complete the entire game (one Sunday) or else you have to go back to the beginning. You start to speed up a little, try to do things more methodically, start to panic a little, the methodical elements drop out again. You experience your first really tricky move- there is a pile that no matter how much you try to clear it it keeps growing. You realise you have to speed clear it in order to stop the mess breeding. By the end of the level your heart is beating a little faster, you start to feel a sense of achievement, and start egging yourself on. Yeess…. Next level please…
Level four: Kitchen All of a sudden the game play changes drastically. First you must seek out washing up from all areas of the house. You hunt down mugs, plates and bowls but can’t find some mysterious missing spoon. Eventually you locate it in the rabbit hutch. A new element of danger is introduced: water. If you get too wet you will have to change your clothes before you can continue. But the longer you take over things the less time you will have to complete future levels. You must learn new skills like scrub. As the level ends you realise this is now a different game alltogether.
Level five: Bathroom Similar to level four, but protective equipment must be donned for this level. Also the place is over run with germies that will kill you on touch, but must also be killed to pass the level. Loads more water. Most dangerous level yet.
Level six: Bedroom This level takes real endurance, but if you’ve not done the previous levels quick enough you will run out of time. Again bottomless mess piles are encountered but this time they’re so much harder. There’s also a new skills to learn, for example folding (tricky, can be time consuming, need to master doing it fast), and sniffing. Sniffing is to determine if something needs folding or throwing in the basket. Sniffing must be used carefully though- sniff the wrong thing in the wrong place and it’s game over.
The Boss fight: The Spare room I don’t know much about completing this level because I haven’t managed it yet, in fact I rarely get to it, but I have heard it’s mental tough. Completely impossible for all but the most dedicated gamers. It is impossible to move through the level as you are entirely surrounded by debris. Many people encounter game over the moment they get to it, THAT’S how tricky it is. If you can make the spare room then you’ve won.

This weekend I’ve got the hallway, office, living room and kitchen clean. The bedroom has been started, the bathroom hasn’t, and I’m not touching the spare room until there is a skip handy.